NO TITLES

it’s become my shadow,
my pillow
and my only friend...
A bed to lie in...........

when i am unwell

While, if I envy you
or scorn your kind...
The chasm intervenes us...
Your mind is not my mind...

Today I feel rejected,
Or am I just
pushing you away...
The look I gave you
and the silence
says all I really want to say

This is all
All I’ve ever had
I’ve grown accustomed
Don’t you push me

Don’t... you.....push.......me.

I’m so qurky?
don’t you want me,
i’m so sweet.
I will adore you
More than I adore me
Im all you ever wanted
Just don’t look inside.

Pandora's kisses



written by Tui Cook
27/8/06

Butterfly Effect

My type seems to have gotten a bit screwed up, I hope it's still readable....
If everyone is wondering where my art is these days.....My scanner broke...I have to buy a new one......It’s a real bumma cause Jenni and I (my partner’s sister, she lives with us) have been drawing quite a bit lately.
Also I tried to sew leather on my sewing machine and now it won’t work either....
AHHH!!!! I still have the camera though....thank god...

This morning, i’m feeling a bit better. I realise That no matter what I wish for.....my body is not getting any younger. Im never going to be 18 or 19 again.....
And Im not going to ever be a boy!!
I was feeling so boring yesterday, till i made myself up.....
I not boring, Im anything but boring!!!! For sure!!
Im not sure who I am at times. I try on different skins.....Different attitudes....
Im having fun playing dress ups these days. I am very happy with my new style.
but am having trouble finding clothes that I like here in Mackay...
I may have to start shopping online!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Im going out to a concert at the end of the week. It’s a band called The Butterfly Effect. We (Iain, Jenni and I) Are going to make ourselves right up and go out on the town. All the "beautiful people" are going to be converging on the entertainment centre.
People are coming from miles around. The country folk around here are going to be overrun this weekend!!! It’s gonna be heaps of fun. We’re gonna make a night (and morning!!) of it. Hopefully we will meet plenty of like-minded souls that we can hang out with in the future. There are plenty of “people” around, Im just to shy to talk to any of them. AHHH!!! Why??
At the Marilyn Manson concert I went to a few years was so cool......these were like 2000 people all at the entertainment centre in brisbane. It felt warm.....like a family....
And the Opeth Concert in the Valley was really comforting too. Usually people that dress like us are out of place...But at concerts...Everybody is there..Everyone you walk past is wicked looking.
In the streets before and after the show, it’s like a party.You see and say hi to people that you haven't seen since the last show you went to. They tell you all the shows that you have missed cause you didn't see the flyer.
Your swear you will be at the next big show and ALL of the small ones too....You laugh at the insane groupies that have followed the band up from melbourne.
There is this one chick called Rebecca. I have known her for about seven years. we see at almost every big (and small) show. She is always total made up and has a doll that she dresses up like the lead singer and puts make up all over. she is always in the front row waving the doll and screaming her guts out.
It doesn't seem to matter what band she is at...she loves them all and is always there.
Kinda reminds me of those pseudo protesters...
You will see the same people at every protest. “so what are we protesting today??”
But don’t get me wrong, she is cool...A touch of tha familiar.... I worry that im not memorable sometimes....But I am continually reminded by lovers, friends and family that no one is gonna forget me.. My name, face and magnetic personality make me unforgettable. I might have to believe that that one day!!! **dance hands**

THURS AUG 24 - MAIN ST. NIGHT CLUB , MACKAY, NTH QLD, 18+
with "REPEAT OFFENDER and "MY DYING DAYS"
Level 1, Dome Shopping Centre, Victoria Street Mackay, Qld. 07 49521844, Doors 8pm
Tickets on sale from Venue, TICKTEK 131931
$20 inc + bk fee presale, $25 on night!!!!!!

Feelin fine!!

I woke up this morning feeling ugly.....I called my mum, She always helps.
So i got off the phone, cut up this teeshirt to restyle it.
So now i'm hot again!!
bout time..

MY NEW OBSESSION!!

i got cut and dyed

my place

This is my place...

a pillowcase

Here is a pillowcase that I made for Iain from pretty offcuts.
I really like it.

And he flys through the air!!

This guys name is Turtum.
He's an asian Turtle With a fetish for Sumo......wrestlers!!
He's a REAL troublemaker!!

An introduction...

This is my first stuffed creature.
His name is Bill. (Cause he has to pay so many!)
He is feeling a bit disgruntled because he left his briefcase on the Subway.

Mackay Show Madness

So much has happened since I last entered a blog entry!!
My Son Jai had his eighth birthday. He got a tonne of cool presents including a small tv, a DIGITAL camera and a robosapian.
I know we spoil him but he is very mature for his age, and besides It's so fun to see his eyes light up.
Mum also sent me a lovely new Apple Laptop with I am using right now!! It was a little scary at first but I am getting used to it. It is so Mad!!! Thank you Mum!!
The other night we went to the Mackay Show. It was heaps of fun!!! We went on the rollercoaster...It was Jai's first time on a roller coaster! As we came down the first dip, a photo was taken. And here it is!!

my (ambitious) house plans

I wish to build a house that is both circular and spiraled.
I have added a third floor,
I have not drawn the upper portion (the third floor)
But it is a observation deck, with glass 1/2 walls, and a bed and bench.
A telescope could be kept up there.
Or it could just be a "alone room" (a small study??)
Ps: the blue line on the ground floor represents a 3/4 riverrock stone wall.

Family Temperance Pledge

I found this in the back of a cool old book
Check it out!!
It's a Hoot!!!
You'll have to click on it to read the text
(notice it's not signed by anyone!!)

TV

people (me in paticular) watch tv too much!!
Wouldn't THIS be cool as a living art piece??
be careful of broken glass,don't reach in and try to water from the front.
(the back has a latch and hinges, so open the tv from the back to care for the art inside!!)

mother's day

my wonderful mother

Illustrator pen tool... I command thee...
I just finished a stylized portrait of
MY WONDERFUL MOTHER!!!

maternal awe

I just saw a photo of my mum....
Hashi Meltzer.
Not only it she a great artist, and awesomely inspiring.....
But she has lost so much weight...She looks fantastic.
Wow.....

Fragmented mind
Another kind
Of song I sing today.

To me belong
The strains to strong
But still they fade away.....


Well I just finished attempting to read my doctors reports....
My mother sent them to me.
those reports really put the nail in the coffin...don't they??
How am I supposed to fight a whole bunch of official sounding test results??
What is written in those reports, those test results.....THAT IS NOT ME!!
HMMmmmmm
It seems to put to bed any ideas I had about being highly intelligent....
It's just a bit sad....

Oh self pity,
Is so pretty.
Help me sing,
this little ditty.

Hehehe

five more books

I brought home five new/old books.
Today I got
A big hardcover called
The Reader's Digest Complete Guide to Needlework

A book of short stories called
When the Churchyard Yawns

Another short story collection called
Creepy Stories

A humourous book called
Australian Pocket Guide to Babysitting by Joan Ozanne-Smith and Patricia Sebastian

A Storybook called
Paintbrush in Paris by Jill Butler

And a book called
The Plauge Dogs by Richard Adams (the same author as Watership Down)

Ive put myself down for Thurday afternoon.
If I couldn't do it, they would of had to close the shop!!

parent teacher interveiws...

I have a parent teacher interview this afternoon. I hate those things.
I have a feeling that Jai "lost" his behaviour book at the begining of last week for a reason. I am a little worried..... Jai's not a big fan of authority....
And he argues with adults if he thinks he is right. So I am loathe to go.
It should be ok though.
On another note, Jai had a serious infection in his foreskin....Due to AHHH!!! not washing it or shaking it properly!!!! I was a bit worried about it, but I took him to the docs and I have some antibiotics that started clearing it up straight away. I gave him his third dose of it this morning and it's looking much better....phew!!!
I am prpbably going to bring home a shitload of books this afternoon, as I am doing the afternoon shift till 2:45. Maybe I should go in early....I'll go in at 11 thirty to check the roster. I Love working there!!
I'll check back later to tell you how Im going...and what books I brought home.

A new job!!

I got a charity job last week!!
It's in the next street over and it's at a lifeline book shop called The Book Nook.
I worked Wednesday morning last week, and I am going to work Monday afternoon.
I had so much fun organizing things and talking to the people that work there.
I sorted out all the childrens books on Wednesday. Tomorrow, I have decided That I am going to sort out all the magizenes and the australian authors section. I just had so much fun!! I feel great!!
I brought home eleven books though...I see this habit is not going to stop.....
Im so pleased to be working again.....it's been 8 years!!

more art

my best artwork

So many art ideas

I woke up this morning brimming with art ideas..1. I have 4 great ideas for altered canvases..
2.I want to start a quilt. Using selected coloring pages and stem stitch, I want to create a colorful (australian Sea Animals) wall hanging that incorperates learning. (all the pictures I have chosen are to scale and labeled with the Names..
3. 2 great inventions!!
And I painted this picture with photoshop....My first sunset...

The big (expensive) move

The last removalist is coming to give us their quote today!!
Then we are away....
It might cost.....heaps...But I am prepared for it. everything is going in a car of some kind....
except us...we are flying. The packing seems daunting at the moment. I would love to get all my bod back so we are cleaning all the walls and floors like mad.
I'll have to call the trustees and get some money released.
*A tradesman needs too come because there is a hole in the wall.
*The lawn guy needs to come too, becasue our mower is jammed up. (the young girl next door put the wrong fuel in it)
*we need the carpets done.
Then we need to pack!! Groan...
but it's ok....This is a photo of our new house!!!!!

Here is the poetry

Some powerful poetry by a few of my favorite poets Robert Frost, and the anti stavery writer, John Greenleaf Whittier

Revelation - by Robert Frost

We make ourselves a place apart
Behind light words that tease and flout,
But oh, the agitated hear
Till someone really find us out.

'Tis pity if the case require
(Or so we say) that in the end
We speak the literal to inspire
The understanding of a friend.

But so with all, from babes that play
At hid-and-seek to God afar,
So all who hide too well away
Must speak and tell us where they are


Fire and Ice - Robert Frost

Some say the world will end in fire;
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To know that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

THE SLAVE-SHIPS

by: John Greenleaf Whittier (1807-1892)

"ALL ready?" cried the captain;
"Ay, ay!" the seamen said;
"Heave up the worthless lubbers,--
The dying and the dead."
Up from the slave-ship's prison
Fierce, bearded heads were thrust:
"Now let the sharks look to it,--
Toss up the dead ones first!"

Corpse after corpse came up,--
Death had been busy there;
Where every blow is mercy,
Why should the spoiler spare?
Corpse after corpse they cast
Sullenly from the ship,
Yet bloody with the traces
Of fetter-link and whip.

Gloomily stood the captain,
With his arms upon his breast,
With his cold brow sternly knotted
And his iron lip compressed.
"Are all the dead dogs over?"
Growled through that matted lip;
"The blind ones are no better,
Let's lighten the good ship."

Hark from the ship's dark bosom,
The very sounds of hell!
The ringing clank of iron,
The maniac's short, sharp yell!
The hoarse, low curse, throat-stifled;
The starving infant's moan,
The horror of a breaking heart
Poured through a mother's groan.

Up from that loathsome prison
The stricken blind ones came;
Below, had all been darkness,
Above, was still the same.
Yet the holy breath of heaven
Was sweetly breathing there,
And the heated brow of fever
Cooled in the soft sea air.

"Overboard with them, shipmates!"
Cutlass and dirk were plied;
Fettered and blind, one after one,
Plunged down from the vessel's side.
The sabre smote above,
Beneath, the lean shark lay,
Waiting with wide and bloody jaw
His quick and human prey.

God of the earth! what cries
Rang upward unto thee?
Voices of agony and blood,
From ship-deck and from sea.
The last dull plunge was heard,
The last wave caught its stain,
And the unsated shark looked up
For human hearts in vain.

* * *

Red glowed the western waters,
The setting sun was there,
Scattering alike on wave and cloud
His fiery mesh of hair.
Amidst a group of blindness,
A solitary eye
Gazed from the burdened slaver's deck,
Into that burning sky.

"A storm," spoke out the gazer,
"Is gathering and at hand;
Curse on 't, I'd give my other eye
For one firm rood of land."
And then he laughed, but only
His echoed laugh replied,
For the blinded and the suffering
Alone were at his side.

Night settled on the waters,
And on a stormy heaven,
While fiercely on that lone ship's track
The thunder-gust was driven.
"A sail!--thank God, a sail!"
And as the helmsman spoke,
Up through the stormy murmur
A shout of gladness broke.

Down came the stranger vessel,
Unheeding on her way,
So near that on the slaver's deck
Fell off her driven spray.
"Ho! for the love of mercy,
We're perishing and blind!"
A wail of utter agony
Came back upon the wind:

"Help us! for we are stricken
With blindness every one;
Ten days we've floated fearfully,
Unnoting star or sun.
Our ship's the slaver Leon,--
We've but a score on board;
Our slaves are all gone over,--
Help, for the love of God!"

On livid brows of agony
The broad red lightning shone;
But the roar of wind and thunder
Stifled the answering groan;
Wailed from the broken waters
A last despairing cry,
As, kindling in the stormy light,
The stranger ship went by.

* * *

In the sunny Guadaloupe
A dark-hulled vessel lay,
With a crew who noted never
The nightfall or the day.
The blossom of the orange
Was white by every stream,
And tropic leaf, and flower, and bird
Were in the warm sunbeam.

And the sky was bright as ever,
And the moonlight slept as well,
On the palm-trees by the hillside,
And the streamlet of the dell:
And the glances of the Creole
Were still as archly deep,
And her smiles as full as ever
Of passion and of sleep.

But vain were bird and blossom,
The green earth and the sky,
And the smile of human faces,
To the slaver's darkened eye;
At the breaking of the morning,
At the star-lit evening time,
O'er a world of light and beauty
Fell the blackness of his crime.


THE YANKEE GIRL
John Greenleaf Whittier

SHE sings by her wheel at the low cottage-door,
Which the long evening shadow is stretching before,
With a music as sweet as the music which seems
Breathed softly and faint in the ear of our dreams!

How brilliant and mirthful the light of her eye,
Like a star glancing out from the blue of the sky!
And lightly and freely her dark tresses play
O'er a brow and a bosom as lovely as they!

Who comes in his pride to that low cottage-door,
The haughty and rich to the humble and poor?
'Tis the great Southern planter, the master who waves
His whip of dominion o'er hundreds of slaves.

"Nay, Ellen, for shame! Let those Yankee fools spin,
Who would pass for our slaves with a change of their skin;
Let them toil as they will at the loom or the wheel,
Too stupid for shame, and too vulgar to feel!

"But thou art too lovely and precious a gem
To be bound to their burdens and sullied by them;
For shame, Ellen, shame, cast thy bondage aside,
And away to the South, as my blessing and pride.

"Oh, come where no winter thy footsteps can wrong,
But where flowers are blossoming all the year long,
Where the shade of the palm tree is over my home,
And the lemon and orange are white in their bloom!

"Oh, come to my home, where my servants shall all
Depart at thy bidding and come at thy call;
They shall heed thee as mistress with trembling and awe,
And each wish of thy heart shall be felt as a law."

Oh, could ye have seen her---that pride of our girls---
Arise and cast back the dark wealth of her curls,
With a scorn in her eye which the gazer could feel,
And a glance like the sunshine that flashes on steel!

"Go back, haughty Southron! thy treasures of gold
Are dim with the blood of the hearts thou hast sold;
Thy home may be lovely, but round it I hear
The crack of the whip and the footsteps of fear!

"And the sky of thy South may be brighter than ours
And greener thy landscapes, and fairer thy flowers;
But dearer the blast round our mountains which raves,
Than the sweet summer zephyr which breathes over slaves!

"Full low at thy bidding thy negroes may kneel,
With the iron of bondage on spirit and heel;
Yet know that the Yankee girl sooner would be
In fetters with them, than in freedom with thee!"

I used to hang out at at my Cousins house. She was only a tiny bit younger than me. Her name was Liana and we were the very best of friends. We grew up together and was my constant companion as a young child. Later, after our family moved away, we used to whoop it up on the holidays.
It was one of these times...I was going to a new private school and hated it. Because I was from a country town and rather introverted, I had not made friends well.
At some point we decided to tell some tall tales to my new peers. In the hope of embellishing my life and to impress apon them.
We used to write to each other,
and received a letter from each other on a very regular basis. I used to take the letters to school and read them in my lunchtime, writing back, leaning on a folder. At some point someone asked me what I was doing and I gave them liana's letter to read.
Liana was a great letter writer. Full of jokes and current information on the current stars at the time.
Soon I was sharing my corespondance with a growing list of interested parties at my new school.
Telling liana of what was going on, we decided to spice it up a bit and invent a long distance 'boyfriend' for me and a rich set of parents for her.....
We wrote several letters with fake information, before I dumped my imaginary boyfriend because 'distance' There were other dramas popped in, ect. We were really relishing creating 'our own identities'
It was a while before we dropped the big one...
I had the idea...Liana's older bother was a bit of a tearaway. He was 18, his name was Luke. We both looked up to him like he was a god. He rode a Red Road Bike. A really lovely thing.
His father had one too.
Liana's Brother Luke 'died' in a moterbike accident. Hitting the side of a tip truck he 'died' instantly. It was planned that we would write three letters each that holidays.
The letters went down like a popular daily soap opera.
I gained the acceptance and sympathy I needed...I stopped sharing my letters and everything was forgotten...
Then about a year later....Mum came into the room....looking shocked.....and sad.....She told us that Luke had been involved in a moterbike accident....He had hit the side of a schoolbus...and had been dead at the scene....I dealt with the funeral in a blur.
All this happened in 1990 to 1991..Liana was totally devestated. Her world fell apart. We had stopped writing letters by then, and we drifted apart.
It was years before I tried to broach the subject with liana.
She obviously needed no reminding. She just looked at me really frightened and from a distance told me "I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to talk about anything like that." And she snapped shut
Since then I have countless other things happens that scare me....
I know a tip truck is not a school bus, but I only pictured it for a minute...It was a big white vehicle.
I believe (wracked with guilt) that I either saw the crash in premontion form and didn't know how to verify that it was a vision of the future, or That we wished it into being by thinking about it too much.
I would love to know more about premonitions.